You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
