There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
