my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
The beers last night were like the tears from god
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
