a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
