The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
