I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
