My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
