You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
