When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Vodka?
Forever.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Randomize
