Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
