i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize