I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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