I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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