I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
