i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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