Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
i think i just lost a toe
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