Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
