And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
