like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
