Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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