My room smells like vodka and shame
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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