you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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