I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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