Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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