he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Houston, we have a squirter
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
