I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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