you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
