I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
