im drinking this country out of the recession.
Jerry, you need to find god
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
