these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
