i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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