Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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