There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
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You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
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All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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