nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
