We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
