I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
