I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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