You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
My ATM looks so different sober.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
