I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
