That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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