I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
