why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
