i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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