and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
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Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
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I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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