mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
