i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
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