You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
as a side note pls kill me
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
