I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
