Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
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