I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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