matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
