Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
