connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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