What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
