I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
