My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
